


If I'm losing a piece of me (maybe I don't want heaven)

by HopeSilverheart



Series: Shadowhunter Bingo [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: (just a little bit though), Angst, Gen, I Made Myself Cry, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Rune Ceremony, Sad Alec, The Author Regrets Everything, other characters are only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:53:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23791114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart
Summary: Alec took a deep breath and tried to ignore the tightening of his chest. Today was his rune ceremony, after which he would finally be a real Shadowhunter. He had trained for this moment, had dreamed about it; he should have been delighted at the prospect of finally bearing the angels’ marks. And yet…And yet, he couldn’t breathe.
Series: Shadowhunter Bingo [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1713982
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	If I'm losing a piece of me (maybe I don't want heaven)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Troye Sivan's 'Heaven'

Alec took a deep breath and tried to ignore the tightening of his chest. Today was his rune ceremony, after which he would finally be a _real_ Shadowhunter. He had trained for this moment, had _dreamed_ about it; he should have been _delighted_ at the prospect of finally bearing the angels’ marks. And yet…

And yet, he couldn’t breathe.

His sister would be in the room, and so would his parents. They would all be watching him, would all congratulate him, would all expect him to be overwhelmed with joy. But he couldn’t _breathe_ , and for the first time, Alec wondered if this was really what he was meant to do.

He had gone out with his mother last night, and he had seen the way she had sneered at the downworlders they had been meeting with – they were _monsters_ , she had said quietly. He had gone out with his father the week before, and he had seen the way he barely even thanked the vampire who had come along to help them.

But most of all, he had seen the way that both of them had degraded Shadowhunters who didn’t live up to their impossibly high standards, and he was terrified. Because his parents loved him, but would they still care about him when they were his commanding officers? Would they still soothe him when he had nightmares? Or would they tell him that he was _weak_ , the way they had when an older Shadowhunter had thrown up at the sight of a dead body – Alec had cried himself to sleep that night, thinking about the boy and the body and his parents’ reactions.

And the worst part was that Alec didn’t _know_ anymore. He didn’t know if he wanted to slay demons if it meant that he had to look at the Downworlders like they didn’t matter. Didn’t know if he wanted to look at the runes on his skin if they only reminded him of the deaths he had caused.

He didn’t _know_ , and he couldn’t _breathe_.

Deep down, deeper than he had ever looked, a part of him knew what he wanted, knew that it had nothing to do with chasing demons, and he felt _ashamed_.

(Dreams of boys with beautiful eyes and perfect hair, of a couple kissing in secret, of his partner at the academy, with his warm smiles and deadly skills, dreams that made him want to drown and cry and _live_.)

“Alexander?” His mother’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts, and he looked at the woman who had raised him – the woman he didn’t _know_ , his mind whispered. “Are you alright?”

And Alec was a lot of things; he was twelve-years-old, he was a big brother, he was excellent with a bow, he was afraid, he was unsure, he was – _gay_ , his mind supplied – but he definitely _wasn’t_ alright. Not that his mother could know (not that she’d understand).

“I’m fine, mother,” he grimaced. “Just a little bit nervous. This is a big step, after all.”

“The biggest,” she answered, and he tried not to let the panic creep up again at her words. “But you’re going to be an amazing Shadowhunter, Alec. And soon, Jonathan will arrive, so you’ll even have a training partner, and then Isabelle will follow, and eventually Max. This is what we were meant to do, honey, there’s _nothing_ to be afraid of.”

If he hadn’t been so breathless, Alec thought that he might have laughed. Nothing to be afraid of? There was _everything_ to be afraid of. His body would reject the runes, or he would die during his first mission, or he would realise – too late – that being a Shadowhunter wasn’t what he was meant to do.

He didn’t need his mother telling him that it would be okay, he needed her to reassure him that she had felt the same way, that it was normal, that there would be days when things would be hard, but that it would be worth it in the end.

His mother looked at him one last time before leaving the room – there were only a few minutes left, maybe he could run, maybe he could leave, maybe he could still get out – and all of a sudden, he couldn’t breathe again. He wanted to _cry_ , but he couldn’t, because everything hurt, and his chest felt too tight, and there was nothing left in him to let _out_.

“Alec?”

His sister stood in front of him, her big brown eyes staring at him worriedly. She had always been too perceptive for her own good – he didn’t know who she got it from, because it certainly wasn’t from either of their parents.

“Are you okay, big brother?” she asked, her little hands fluttering at her sides helplessly, almost like she wanted to reach out but knew that he wouldn’t react well.

And that was what decided him. The sight of his baby sister, looking at him with concern written all over her innocent features, her hands trembling as she took in his undoubtedly _wretched_ appearance. He wasn’t doing this for himself; he was doing it for _her_ , for Max, for the family he loved so much.

“I’m good, Iz,” he smiled reassuringly, curling his hands into fists to hide the way his fingers shook, even as he made his choice.

He walked into the ceremonial hall with his sister at his side, and when she left him alone, he told himself that she was worth it, that he would do _anything_ for her. He would give up on his dreams, make himself kill demons – even though his stomach churned at the thought – _anything_ for the girl who looked at him like he had hung the moon and the stars.

He approached the Silent Brother and glanced at his parents briefly – they looked as cold as they always did when they were in public, but their eyes shone with pride, and that _had_ to be enough. He wasn’t doing this for himself, he was doing it for _them_. He _couldn’t_ do it for himself, but for his family? There was very little he _wouldn’t_ do.

“We gather here today to celebrate the end of Alexander Gideon Lightwood’s training and the beginning of his career as a noble Shadowhunter.”

The speech was painful to listen to – Alec wasn’t selfless, wasn’t strong, wasn’t _meant for this_ – and the Voyance rune even more so, but he pulled through, gritting his teeth and refusing to show weakness.

His parents congratulated him, and so did Izzy, and someone even brought along Max – who was only a baby, much too young to say anything – and Alec repeated his new mantra over and over again until the words blurred together, until they barely meant anything anymore.

 _I’m doing this for them. To protect them. I’m doing this for them, because I_ love _them._

He forced a smile onto his face, thanked everyone for their well-wishes, and pretended that the Voyance rune didn’t itch, that he didn’t want to burn it off, that he was _fine, excited, happy, eager_.

Later that night, he knelt in his bedroom alone, unable to breathe, and he wondered if he would ever feel free again, or if the brand new rune on his body had taken that away from him forever.

He couldn’t _breathe_.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Thank you so much for reading! This is my first entry for the Shadowhunter Bingo (which started months ago) and I have to admit that I didn't think it would be this... depressing? I usually only write fluff, so this is definitely different. 
> 
> Nevertheless, I think it turned out the way I wanted it to, and hopefully you enjoyed it! It isn't beta-read and I wrote it in about half an hour, so sorry in advance for any mistakes that you might spot! I've written for the fandom before, but never actually posted anything, so this is technically my first Shadowhunter/TMI fic on AO3, but certainly not the last! I've been getting back into the fandom (re-reading all of my favourite fics) lately, and I'm really glad that it led me to finally get started on those prompts! 
> 
> Love, Julie
> 
> (catch me on tumblr @hopesilverheart or on twitter @junisilvrheart)


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